I Am BEAUTIFUL

by Kamile Sabali

 

“It feels good to be loved by someone sometimes, but it’s far more important that we love ourselves.”

I once was told I was too passionate

I was told I was a mother and I couldn’t just do this and I couldn’t just do that

 

I was also told, “You don’t understand, some people actually live their dreams”

I was told this because 

I apparently wasn’t one of those people who do that

But they are 

and that’s why they were 

always too busy

 

Obviously forgetting that my dreams were consistently shot down 

like ducks with plastic grey 

and orange guns

Not supported

 

I once was told I was beautiful 

And I was kissed with the passion that sparked my passion 

that later became too much to fathom

 

Eventually those kisses became less 

And the looks that used to sparkle 

from the vision of beauty that was reflecting became dull 

as the shimmer from the sparkle dimmed

the looks became glances 

then nods without true acknowledgment

 

My concept of self beauty 
was following the path 

of the empty head nods 

that eventually ceased to exist at all

And I questioned my self worth 

 

I silenced my voice 

I questioned myself before I spoke up 

And I chose my words 

carefully when I did 

Yet, it still was too much 

Because I must have 

had an ulterior motive 

I couldn’t have just 

been trying to be “better” 

Which is what I was thinking

So, I gave up on all of that together

 

Maybe I need to refocus 

on my physical beauty 

I must have let myself go 

After all, I was trying to be natural 

I was told that I proved I could be powerful 

but when would I get my doobie back

So I slapped on the white creamy crack

And I straightened all of my curls

In a fresh silk wrap 

 

I covered my face with Dior makeup

The most expensive I could get 

because it was supposed to be flawless

and I glossed my lips 

with a shimmery peach

Perhaps to attract back the kiss 

that ceased exist 

and my freckles were covered with blush 

Still it wasn’t enough

I only kind of felt beautiful

Maybe

 

Besides my teeth still had a gap

And my stomach still had this roll

And these love handles were obviously

not love handles 

because they weren’t 

really being handled 

So I decided to hit the gym

And even when I lost weight 

and was ultra slim 

that sparkle completely dimmed

 

Then I finally realized 

It wasn’t me 

It was him 

Our ideas of beauty weren’t the same 

And that was okay 

It feels good to be loved 

by somebody 

Sometimes

but it’s far more important 

to love ourselves 

 

So I completely stripped myself down

Literally cutting all the chemicals 

from my hair 

welcoming back my tiny little curls 

my strays, my grays 

and my tiny baby hairs

I let my freckles breath 

And I let my body eat

But most importantly 

I let the fire in all of my passion

Speak 

through my voice 

 

I saw my beauty the way 

It was meant for me to see it 

I finally began to live my dreams

because, I AM one of those people

who do that

and my passion 

is too beautifully passionate not to

 

How often do we allow someone 

to silence 

Our self worth

And what does it take

for us to hold on to it

What does it take

 

It takes us to be 

Brave 

Energetic

Assertive

Unique

Tenacious 

Important 

Fabulous 

Unequaled 

Loved 

Loved by our selves

And that is when we can truly say

I AM BEAUTIFUL