I Am BEAUTIFUL
by Kamile Sabali
“It feels good to be loved by someone sometimes, but it’s far more important that we love ourselves.”
I once was told I was too passionate
I was told I was a mother and I couldn’t just do this and I couldn’t just do that
I was also told, “You don’t understand, some people actually live their dreams”
I was told this because
I apparently wasn’t one of those people who do that
But they are
and that’s why they were
always too busy
Obviously forgetting that my dreams were consistently shot down
like ducks with plastic grey
and orange guns
Not supported
I once was told I was beautiful
And I was kissed with the passion that sparked my passion
that later became too much to fathom
Eventually those kisses became less
And the looks that used to sparkle
from the vision of beauty that was reflecting became dull
as the shimmer from the sparkle dimmed
the looks became glances
then nods without true acknowledgment
My concept of self beauty
was following the path
of the empty head nods
that eventually ceased to exist at all
And I questioned my self worth
I silenced my voice
I questioned myself before I spoke up
And I chose my words
carefully when I did
Yet, it still was too much
Because I must have
had an ulterior motive
I couldn’t have just
been trying to be “better”
Which is what I was thinking
So, I gave up on all of that together
Maybe I need to refocus
on my physical beauty
I must have let myself go
After all, I was trying to be natural
I was told that I proved I could be powerful
but when would I get my doobie back
So I slapped on the white creamy crack
And I straightened all of my curls
In a fresh silk wrap
I covered my face with Dior makeup
The most expensive I could get
because it was supposed to be flawless
and I glossed my lips
with a shimmery peach
Perhaps to attract back the kiss
that ceased exist
and my freckles were covered with blush
Still it wasn’t enough
I only kind of felt beautiful
Maybe
Besides my teeth still had a gap
And my stomach still had this roll
And these love handles were obviously
not love handles
because they weren’t
really being handled
So I decided to hit the gym
And even when I lost weight
and was ultra slim
that sparkle completely dimmed
Then I finally realized
It wasn’t me
It was him
Our ideas of beauty weren’t the same
And that was okay
It feels good to be loved
by somebody
Sometimes
but it’s far more important
to love ourselves
So I completely stripped myself down
Literally cutting all the chemicals
from my hair
welcoming back my tiny little curls
my strays, my grays
and my tiny baby hairs
I let my freckles breath
And I let my body eat
But most importantly
I let the fire in all of my passion
Speak
through my voice
I saw my beauty the way
It was meant for me to see it
I finally began to live my dreams
because, I AM one of those people
who do that
and my passion
is too beautifully passionate not to
How often do we allow someone
to silence
Our self worth
And what does it take
for us to hold on to it
What does it take
It takes us to be
Brave
Energetic
Assertive
Unique
Tenacious
Important
Fabulous
Unequaled
Loved
Loved by our selves
And that is when we can truly say
I AM BEAUTIFUL